FORMATION OF THE USADA
I believe that that all intelligent and open minded individuals recognize that there is a serious need to redistribute the speed in all classes of cycling. There is just too much speed at the top and very little of it gets funneled down to the SLOW (super low output-watts). It is also abundantly clear that the FAST (Flashy Arrogant Speed Tyrants) are not going to self regulate and bring about a more even distribution of speed among the masses unless required to do so by a new governing body. That’s where the newly formed Universal Speed Adjustment Distribution Association (USADA) comes into play.
The primary role of the USADA will be leveling the playing field for all cyclists and affording them all the same opportunities to win as the elitist minority FAST. The USADA will institute a multi pronged approach in order to facilitate a “speedy” rebalancing of all race classes.
USDA (Universal Speed Distribution Assessment) REGULATIONS
1) TIME ASSESMENT-The top 5 (FAST) racers in each race category will handicapped at each race according to the strict USADA guideline: The finishing time of each cyclists best race event over the last 12 months will be used to determine their time “assessment” (an assessment is not a penalty) for each subsequent race. The math will be very straightforward. The median finishing time for all racers MINUS FAST Cyclist finishing time MINUS 5% of the Delta
FAST RACER 1-wins in 1:00:00. Median race time for ALL participants is 1:30:00. Leaving a difference of 30 minutes PLUS 5% (1.5 minutes) FAST RACER 1 Starts 31:30 after the field.
2) ENTRY FEE/PRIZE MONEY ASSESMENT-FAST RIDERS will be required to pay 50% of their highest prize money from any single event in the last 12 month as entry fee for each race entered. (Minimum 10 per year). Everyone from 6-thru the middle third of the pack will pay normal entry fees. The bottom third (SLOW) will race for free, because they need to be encouraged. The FAST guys will be more than happy to cover their costs as a way to give back to the cycling community. NOTE: 50% of all entry fees go directly to the race promoter. The race promoter is encouraged to hire a staff to do feasibility studies, manage traffic, negate green house gasses, manicure the race course and supply at least 1 full time staff person dedicated as USADA liaison interrogation administrative representative. (USADA LIAR). When funds look tight, or run at a deficit, The race promoter has the right to raise fees at any juncture and may collect race fees retroactively for up to 5 previous years. Penalties and interest will accrue from date of race regardless of when the increase takes place.
3)GEAR/SWAG/PROMO ASSESMENT: FAST racers get a disproportionate percentage of GEAR/SWAG/SPONSORSHIP appropriations. In an effort to level the overall field once again, 50% of all goods and or 30% of the cash value of ALL free, complimentary, and or discounted cycling related clothing, gear, prizes, food, water, post race bananas, energy bars, SWAG bags, pens, stickers, mechanics services including but not limited to free tune ups- wheel truing, overhauls, lubes, patches, adjustments ect will be mandatorily “donated” to the race promoter. The race promoter will keep the absolute best stuff for himself, give most to his friends, relatives, or LIAR representative and hand out the really shity stuff to the SLOW folks.
Now I know there will be some arguments and maybe even some protests. Frankly who’s going to bitch except the FAST. So in order to quell any potential issues before they arise…here is the rebuttal any sensible man would understand when questioned by a delusional FAST person. (DO NOT worry. There are way more SLOW, so this is a GO come election time)
FAST person: I am genetically superior and deserve to beat you because I had some damn good parents. USADA STANCE: Your genetic superiority does not mean that you deserve to beat ANYONE especially the SLOW folks. SLOW folks have feelings and self esteem issues, that you continually crush. That’s not only not nice…it is now forbidden!
FAST Person: I work WAY harder than anybody else.
USADA STANCE: So what? Just because you are out on your bike 30 hours a weeks in torrential rain, driving snow and brutal heat doesn’t mean you deserve to win. Just because you do so many intervals, you can’t keep last week’s lunch down, doesn’t mean you deserve to win. SLOW folks like to eat pizza, drink beer and watch reruns of Seinfeld. But hey…SLOW folks like to win too. If we tilt the field in their favor and they get to the taste of the podium, maybe they will skip a rerun of Jersey Shore once in a while and ride their bikes more.
FAST Person: I take huge risks attacking, put my nose in the wind to wear down my opponents, and fly with reckless abandon down trails mountain goats are afraid to walk on.
USADA STANCE: Taking risks is scary. Working hard is….well hard. Riding both breaks downhill is just plain comforting. No real reason to try harder, take big risks, or God forbid work harder. Relax a little. Sure we realize that you won’t go as fast…but that’s the point. If collectively we ALL go slower it won’t feel as bad to ride with FAST people and you will be helping lift up the less fortunate.
The USADA realizes that just because you’re FAST it does not mean that you are EVIL. Show us something on your own. Donate your fancy carbon wheels to the chunky kid down the street. Ride a cruiser at the next crit. Race the 1,2,3’s instead of the masters division. Break down and eat a Dorito once in a while.
The USADA truly believes that we can all get along as stronger cycling community if the FAST were just a little more like the SLOW and maybe even the other way around.