FORMATION OF THE USADA
I believe that that all intelligent and open minded
individuals recognize that there is a serious need to redistribute the speed in
all classes of cycling. There is just too much speed at the top and very little
of it gets funneled down to the SLOW (super low output-watts). It is also
abundantly clear that the FAST (Flashy Arrogant Speed Tyrants) are not going to
self regulate and bring about a more even distribution of speed among the
masses unless required to do so by a new governing body. That’s where the newly
formed Universal Speed Adjustment Distribution Association (USADA) comes into
play.
The primary role of the USADA will be leveling the playing
field for all cyclists and affording them all the same opportunities to win as
the elitist minority FAST. The USADA will institute a multi pronged approach in
order to facilitate a “speedy” rebalancing of all race classes.
USDA (Universal Speed Distribution Assessment) REGULATIONS
1) TIME ASSESMENT-The top 5 (FAST) racers in each race
category will handicapped at each race according to the strict USADA guideline:
The finishing time of each cyclists best
race event over the last 12 months will be used to determine their time
“assessment” (an assessment is not a penalty) for each subsequent race. The
math will be very straightforward. The median finishing time for all racers
MINUS FAST Cyclist finishing time MINUS 5% of the Delta
Eg.
FAST RACER 1-wins in 1:00:00. Median race time for ALL
participants is 1:30:00. Leaving a difference of 30 minutes PLUS 5% (1.5 minutes) FAST RACER 1 Starts 31:30
after the field.
2) ENTRY FEE/PRIZE MONEY ASSESMENT-FAST RIDERS will be
required to pay 50% of their highest prize money from any single event in the last
12 month as entry fee for each race entered. (Minimum 10 per year). Everyone
from 6-thru the middle third of the pack will pay normal entry fees. The bottom
third (SLOW) will race for free, because they need to be encouraged. The FAST
guys will be more than happy to cover their costs as a way to give back to the
cycling community. NOTE: 50% of all entry fees go directly to the race
promoter. The race promoter is encouraged to hire a staff to do feasibility
studies, manage traffic, negate green house gasses, manicure the race course
and supply at least 1 full time staff person dedicated as USADA liaison
interrogation administrative representative. (USADA LIAR). When funds look
tight, or run at a deficit, The race promoter has the right to raise fees at
any juncture and may collect race fees retroactively for up to 5 previous years.
Penalties and interest will accrue from date of race regardless of when the
increase takes place.
3)GEAR/SWAG/PROMO ASSESMENT:
FAST racers get a disproportionate percentage of GEAR/SWAG/SPONSORSHIP
appropriations. In an effort to level the overall field once again, 50% of all
goods and or 30% of the cash value of ALL free, complimentary, and or
discounted cycling related clothing, gear, prizes, food, water, post race bananas,
energy bars, SWAG bags, pens, stickers, mechanics services including but not
limited to free tune ups- wheel truing, overhauls, lubes, patches, adjustments
ect will be mandatorily “donated” to the race promoter. The race promoter will
keep the absolute best stuff for himself, give most to his friends, relatives,
or LIAR representative and hand out the really shity stuff to the SLOW folks.
Now I know there will be some
arguments and maybe even some protests. Frankly who’s going to bitch except the
FAST. So in order to quell any potential issues before they arise…here is the
rebuttal any sensible man would understand when questioned by a delusional FAST
person. (DO NOT worry. There are way more SLOW, so this is a GO come election
time)
ARGUMENT 1
FAST person: I am genetically
superior and deserve to beat you because I had some damn good parents. USADA STANCE:
Your genetic superiority does not mean that you deserve to beat ANYONE
especially the SLOW folks. SLOW folks have feelings and self esteem issues,
that you continually crush. That’s not only not nice…it is now forbidden!
ARGUMENT 2
FAST Person: I work WAY harder
than anybody else.
USADA STANCE: So what? Just
because you are out on your bike 30 hours a weeks in torrential rain, driving
snow and brutal heat doesn’t mean you deserve to win. Just because you do so
many intervals, you can’t keep last week’s lunch down, doesn’t mean you
deserve to win. SLOW folks like to eat pizza, drink beer and watch reruns of Seinfeld.
But hey…SLOW folks like to win too. If we tilt the field in their favor and
they get to the taste of the podium, maybe they will skip a rerun of Jersey
Shore once in a while and ride their bikes more.
ARGUMENT 3
FAST Person: I take huge risks attacking,
put my nose in the wind to wear down my opponents, and fly with reckless
abandon down trails mountain goats are afraid to walk on.
USADA STANCE: Taking risks is
scary. Working hard is….well hard. Riding both breaks downhill is just plain
comforting. No real reason to try harder, take big risks, or God forbid work
harder. Relax a little. Sure we realize that you won’t go as fast…but that’s
the point. If collectively we ALL go slower it won’t feel as bad to ride with
FAST people and you will be helping lift up the less fortunate.
Final Note:
The USADA realizes that just because
you’re FAST it does not mean that you are EVIL.
Show us something on your own. Donate your fancy carbon wheels to the
chunky kid down the street. Ride a cruiser at the next crit. Race the 1,2,3’s
instead of the masters division. Break down and eat a Dorito once in a while.
The USADA truly believes that we
can all get along as stronger cycling community if the FAST were just a little
more like the SLOW and maybe even the other
way around.
Dravis Dygart
